Hallo everybody ❤️
you all know me as the trans beauty on the internet, that is cute, kind, and always has a smile for anyone. Well, is that not the truth? Sure it is! But since coming-out late in 2016 many experiences made me think different.
Where is our beloved Mycha?
Oh yes, she is still here my friends. But she is sad, and thoughtful. Because she wanted to continue the way, that worked in the last years, and it turned out different in so many aspects.
Let’s go into details
What are the main points that I want to look into with you today:
- Society / Public Space
When we talk about my family, what are the things, that have changed within the last 12 months? While me and my son share the same place throughout the week, my three girls are living with their mother. Over the weekends all our kids are together, switching between the two of us parents every second weekend. I think this is a good compromise for all of us. Having a free weekend for yourself is not the worst thing being a parent. Those who have their own children know what I’m talking about. Getting someone to look after your kids, especially when they are younger, can be very challenging in times, where the importance of families seems to decline to the advantage of individual lifestyles.
I was born into a large family. Including aunts, uncles, cousins, and their kids we are around 70 people sharing the same bloodline. Cohesion in our family was always very present, although we were spread around two Countries – Germany and Poland. Most of us managed to see each other at least once in a year in average – often more frequently. Besides with my own kids, out of these family members I am in contact with my mother, brother, and sister. That’s it. The cohesion part seemed to work very well for me, as long as I could apply to our family standards. Being a trans woman was never accepted.
I was never having hundreds of friends. For me it was good enough to have a few (1-2) close friends, and around 5-10 people that I could see from time to time. Right now there’s not a single friend remaining. I met a couple of people on Twitter and other social media, who care about the things that I do, but I have never seen one of them in person. Yes, there are friendships online, but it’s not the same as in reality. In my opinion even if the digital evolution is changing many aspects of our lives, humans need people who they can give a short call ‚hey I’m around the corner, do you want to meet for a couple of drinks?‘.
I am bisexual, meaning I can fall in love with a man or a woman, and I wouldn’t even limit that to these two genders. To me it’s not of any importance how you identify. I can feel attracted to a you as a person, and maybe fall in love.
There have been some experiences with women in the last 12 months. Number one broke up our relationship, as she had to admit, that I was not the man, who she fell in love with. Number two ignored the obvious woman in front of her. She managed to imagine, that I was a man, even if I wasn’t. We broke up a few weeks ago.
Besides I had some one-night-stands with a couple of girls that I met mostly when going out. Sometimes we met online, before we decided to have a date. There seems to be a group of women out there, who feel attracted to ‚men‘ who love to wear female clothing (not my opinion, but it’s what they say). They don’t take trans women for serious, but prefer to have sexual intercourse with open minded people, who these girls think are male with a preference to wear a skirt from time to time. They are never interested in a serious relationship. It’s simply a type of sexual curiosity that some average girls seem to have.
I also dated or met around 10 guys, maybe more. Resulting in some one-night-stands and the conclusion that they were sexually attracted to me, but most of them couldn’t imagine to have a real relationship with me.
Why is that? Well, I was asking myself this question for a while. Coincidentally after all my thinking I found an article on the internet about cis men who feel attracted to trans women, and the stigma that society puts on them, when their preference becomes public. They face a strong risk of social isolation, which is avoiding them of taking me to the next level. Thank you society.
When I had my coming-out I’ve taken into account, that I could lose my current job. It didn’t become reality for 9 months, and besides that people called me Mycha or Ms. Goldmann there have been no real changes to my life at work. Everybody was open and welcoming with statements like
Isn’t it our modern times, that it should play no role, at all?
Late in June I received a notice, that my company wanted to terminate my contract by the end of July 2017. They explained that they needed to restructure our sales department. Announcing that all of my colleagues including my direct manager will lose their jobs as well. Now a couple of months later I’m not really sure if the restructuring really became effective. Only a few colleagues left the organization. My boss and some others still have their old job titles on LinkedIn, and I know from some sources, that I don’t want to name here, that they still work there. So did they stage the whole thing to kick me out finally? To be honest not am I sure if that was the case, nor do I really want find it out.
Applying for a new job turned out to be a jeopardy. I have sent around a hundred of copies of my CV to potential employers and headhunter agencies. Everybody initially seemed to be very interested in my sales skills and success track records. Most of them I never heard of again since the initial interview on the phone. The worst experience that I had in that time was the job interview described in one of my previously published blog posts.
Link: The Job Interview<<<<
y I feel completely demotivated to apply for new jobs to be honest. It was an exhausting time, leading to no result.
As long as I can keep my apartment, and I don’t have to significantly decrease my life standards, it doesn’t look too bad for me. I have a backup that works to the end of 2017. The deadline is coming closer every day, and as long as I have no clue how I’m gonna earn my money after that date, well how can I be relaxed?
My health status is excellent when it comes to body parameters. I had some blood testing in advance of my scheduled transition surgery at the end of October, and the test results couldn’t be better.
When I need to talk about mental health, well that’s another side of the medal. Most of the time I manage to be in a good mental state. I still make my jokes, smile, and enjoy my free time with the kids. Then there are these darker hours, where everything is becoming too much for me. I have so many things on my mind, and believe me these thoughts can be overtaking.
7. Society / Public Space
One of the positive things is, that whenever I leave the safe space of my four walls, there‘s nothing really special worth to mention. I can go out having a good time, I can take my kids out for a walk, I can do my shopping without really noticing anything bad around me. I got used to it, that a few people can’t keep their eyes from me, and really a few times I hear something like
uh she’s a trans
from a certain distance. Seems like my passing improved from where I started one year ago.
Thank you everybody who supported me throughout the last months. It’s good to know, that you care ❤️
Kisses your Mycha 😘
P.S.: Don’t forget to subscribe to my blog (hit ‘Follow’ on the top left section of the page to subscribe for mail notifications, whenever a new blog post is added). Last but not least if you didn’t have the chance to grab a look into my new gallery, you may want to be redirected here:
Please feel free to leave me a comment and share my story with your friends.