It was my birthday and you did not think about it!
What it’s all about this quotation, I’m gonna tell you later – promised. Today is a very serious topic on our agenda. Something which I have not discussed ever before.
When I have consciously decided to live my life in the other gender, a lot has already happened in the run-up. I have created freerooms for myself to try me out. I have dealt with my inner conflict very intensively, in order then to deduce somehow, that I couldn’t live my life in the way, I was living it so far. It took so long because it changed my life fundamentally. It’s my experience and it’s real. The amount of time was necessary to understand myself first. Not before then was I ready to accept my destiny and share it with you. This is absolutely understandable and there’s no doubt about it at all.
Is it really just all about me?
I have overlooked many important aspects about which I find is too little reported. I see this in my own articles and in the stories of other trans folks. Everything seems to refer to me myself only as a matter of course. Yes, the whole world seems exclusively to revolve around how I am, how I feel and what’s going on with me. In doing so, I pass over the people who are most important to me. How many trans people have told me about their failed relationships. How many of us experience problems with their immediate environment – with relatives and friends or at work. I disregarded the feelings of my favorite fellows, though it depends on them how I feel. But why is that?
Because I’m too busy with myself. I had to learn to deal with the new situation, forgetting to think of those that I love the most. We couldn’t put the blame on someone. It is the circumstances that generate it, and often it is much too late. Relations can not be fixed so quickly and easily. So let’s change our perspective and have look at the subject transgender from the perspective of my people today.
My coming-out, your coming-out
When I tell you I’m trans I expect you to accept me as I am. But what about you? Apart of the role of having to accept me, you seem to have no other function for me and that just can not be right. My step is also a big change for you. You also have to cope with this new situation. That’s indifferent to me at this moment, because it really is all about me. I’m sorry that I wasn’t able to realize that before. I was just too busy with myself in the last couple of months. I would have owed you, to deal with the fact how you feel. That was very selfish of me.
Changes from the perspective of the parents
You thought, that you brought a son into the world and had to discover that you were wrong. It was not your fault, because I did everything – really everything – so you did not get it. The day I told you, came to you suddenly and without any preparation. While I’ve thought about it for a long time, how to tell you best, you did not have the time to prepare for it. But I immediately expected you to be happy for me and to take me in your arms. That was pretty selfish of me. Please understand that I was busy at the time with other thoughts. I was overwhelmed and hope you can understand that.
Where is my lover and best friend?
You’ve got to know me as a macho and had to eventually realize necessarily that I’m a bigger girly than you could ever be yourself. You have supported me very much at the beginning of my trip and I would like to thank you now. You’ve listened to everything and watched me while I’ve changed from day to day. My new me grew stronger and became more. On the other hand less and less remained of the personality that you have learned to love. I did not understand that you needed to take distance from me. Your own worries and problems were ignored by me, because I had other things on his mind. The best friend with whom you could talk about everything could therefore no longer be there for you. I can now better understand why you have withdrawn. You never let me down. My own behavior has resulted in our beautiful time finding a sad termination.
Look what it does to me?
From the beginning it was a complicated story with the both of us. When everyone else could not be there for me, I was lucky enough to get you out of nowhere. You gave me the confidence and the confirmation that I needed so much – until today. I knew from the start that you had other hopes in me. You knew me in my former shape and have learned that there is more than that. You’ve accepted me the way I am. It felt wonderful to you to win a new best friend that has never been there for you before. Although I am now a woman, you could still recognize the lover in me. If you wanted it, you could fade out as I am now. For that you have put your own principles aside. I knew that it is so, because you’re not into women. At the time, perhaps, we did not know what we were doing. But if it feels good, you do not want to question it. But there were always conflicts. Our differing personalities often bounced together. I also made my mistakes. Have knowingly and deliberately played with your limits, how much woman you can withstand. What appeared to me like a game had a serious impact on you. Your subconscious mind has always reacted more strongly to it without you could influence it and I did not respect that. Maybe I did not want to see it because you did me well. On the day when your birthday was, I sat here and did not know if it was good to break the distance we needed at that time. I just could not contact you or see you, because I was not sure if it would do you any good to you. I realized that we had gone too far and this time I wanted to respect you, even if it was not easy. I was very busy about it and I did not want to hurt you anymore.
It was my birthday and you did not think about it!
I was thinking of you. I was unsure what was right and what was wrong. I am glad that we have found our way back to each other. Even if now is still not clear whether what is going on with our relationship, is good for us. Anyway, it feels good. So we’ll see each other again until the next collision takes us out of balance.
Have a nice evening, yours sincerely Mycha
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