About a year ago I began a new life. A new way of thinking and looking at myself. At the proud age of 37, I would not have thought that anything else could happen to change my life that way. I mean I have brought four children into the world. Have developed my life from the gutter in orderly directions. I was one of the few people from my old area who did not live there anymore. I have not seen the whole world, but at least a few interesting sides of life. I have been to Venezuela, Spain, Portugal, Poland, Hungary, Romania, France, Belgium, Netherlands, Italy, England, and New York. I knew the life of a large and intact family – at least for seven years. I loved and I was loved. I was a friend and had friends in my life, who were there for me when I needed them. I have experienced disappointments and learned to cope with them. I have survived a large separation without damage – the one of my ex-wife. We understood each other still outstandingly, after all the depths through which life has led us. It was clear that we could not be together any more, after all what has happened. Our children should not notice this and we have done a good job at this – to this day. I have lived in two different cultures – in Western Germany and in Poland. Tradition and religion in the East stood in complete opposition to Western culture and worldliness. I have never come to rest in my life. After school moved to Baunschweig, Berlin, Munich and Stuttgart, before I returned to my city – to Düsseldorf. Just to find that the longing for the distance has led me back to the place where I should have always stayed. How could you increase that? Yes, it was possible.
Ups and downs of a new life
The past year had many highlights for me – but also lowlights. I made the decision to deal openly with my trans identity. Friends advised me not to do so, but my decision had long since fallen. First, I told my family – a month later then at work. And guess what, there’s still me and I’m better than ever. I have arrived in life. I finally found my destination. And I have received this determination with open arms. What has changed since that? Everything has changed – just everything. Most of the people who have meant something to me have left me. I’ve lost two wonderful women. My best friend and my best friend afterwards. The buddies with whom I was dealing a year ago do not want to know me today. My sister is now no longer so distant as directly after my coming out in October. We are still miles away from the fact that it is a good relationship to each other. My mother has tried several times with me – her second daughter – but we have never been as far apart as now. Before that, I could walk around the area, and I could go anywhere and show where I was. Now I seem to be in the center of attention – always – always and everywhere. Even the stop at the gas station is no longer the same. There are people who make you feel that you are a different person in their eyes and that is also good. So you know where your supporters are and where not. The number of people who have come to me over the past twelve months to express to me that they admire what I am is endless and it gives me an infinite amount of strength. If you read that, you’re probably one of those people, and I’d like to thank you for being the way you are. In the job, it was never really a serious issue. All treated me completely normal and behaved very professionally and exemplary. To be honest, I’ve enjoyed every minute when I’ve worked because it was the only area that has not changed for me to the detriment. I would even argue that all of them now treat me a bit better than before. Clearly I have lost the last job in July through restructuring and am currently looking for a new job. But hey, it’s going very well. I have a lot of job talks, I’ve got a lot of job interviews scheduled and it does not seem to matter that I do not appear as a man. Even though I am not perfect. It is going pretty well.
Need a rewind?
Would I turn the clock back again and want to undo everything? No way! It sometimes costs a lot of strength to be like this – to be different. To be a minority in a society that still needs to learn a lot about how to deal with people who do not meet the usual standards. There are days they just do not leave you alone. You have to listen to baseless insults, partly by people you’ve never seen before. You have to deal with why suddenly 99.99% of the possible acquaintances are no longer relevant for you. Because the people you have met before are no longer the ones who would give you a date. You think a lot more about things that were formerly self-evident. You think about why you do it. Why do you pull it through? Why do you have to do this? But it is quite simple. Because that’s me. That is my life. I only can exist in the way I am now. Nothing in this world can stop me from being so. Because you know that there are also good sides. The good prevails.
I just want to hug the whole world. Good night, yours sincerely, Mycha