One of these (dysphoria) days

Skipped information

Life could be so beautiful, when you have successfully turned your complete life around. It’s what I did a few months ago – back in December. There’s nothing, and nobody, that could have stopped my decision, at that point in my life. Also, there wouldn’t be a such a thing, that can reverse my choice in the future. It was a long fight with my courage, and against my deepest fears. Finally allowing me, to follow the destiny, that I couldn’t have before. But, I was not really talking about some other things, that came along with these changes, especially mentally. I’ve skipped most of this information, that I thought, I couldn’t share with you.

A look behind the curtain

Before we get started, let me summarize, that I am accepted among my family members, my friends, my job, and almost all the time, when I move around in public. Superficially everything looks really perfect. Satisfaction with yourself, and the life that you are living, depends on many internal, and external influences. But when you look only at the surface of life, you miss lots of things. Things that are going on out of sight within the person itself. Many people on social media, present their lives, showing mostly some of the most positive aspects, they were experiencing. And, I would like to include myself here. I promote for positivity, and motivation, because I believe, that only positive things can lead to positive consequences. Okay, so why am I even thinking about, writing this extract, from what’s going on deep in my mind these days? I wouldn’t be me, if I wouldn’t let these thoughts come out.

How they see me

When you are an attractive transgender woman, most people around you are noticing you limited to your outer appearance, and how beautiful you can look like. They seem to be impressed, that it is even possible, that once you have been a man. Although many folks are acknowledging, that you are a very attractive woman. Not necessary for them to say it. You can derive it from their reactions – big eyes, open mouth, a friendly whistle from time to time. They didn’t expect you to be real. They may have seen some other transgender women like you on television, or on the internet. Far away from what they consider, is their everyday life. Once they realize, that one of these trans women arrived into their own reality, they are usually not prepared, to handle this information. There have been many ‘here I am’ moments in the last months, since I started to show myself as a woman. Leading to many mistakes that a person could do, when you meet them. Starting with the wrong pronouns, and many wrong assumptions. Some asking you, to take pictures with them. Most of this stuff, is daily routine for me.

What you (maybe) can imagine

Most of the people I know, they cannot imagine, what’s going on behind that curtain.

While in the beginning when you go out in public, you are worried about things like:

Can I go out? Can I really do this?

Can I go here? Can I go there? Is it safe to go there?

By the way, it’s still a very common thing, to ask yourself these questions. Well, the unexplored places that you plan to go, are getting less with every experience, that you have been through. You gain security, and approval from that, when you already did this a hundred times. But, you won’t loose this habit of asking so quickly.

What would be their reactions, if I would shop some woman stuff in the drug store?

Is it okay, if I was using the women changing rooms, to try on my new shirt?

Would someone stop me from using the women restrooms?

Would I pass the security checks at the airport with no problems?

Business as usual?

Let me summarize, that these things are becoming really nothing special after a while. Every day you are becoming more self-confident. You stop questioning many things, that you felt unsure about in the beginning, when you started living as a woman. Anyway you will re-question many of these things, any time, that you are repeating them. Precisely observing the people around you, and how they behave. Are they watching you? Are they talking about you? Do they whisper? You try to push this out of the back of your mind, but it’s not easy to achieve this.

Male conditioning

I have these thoughts, because it didn’t feel natural for me from the start, to be a woman. I was conditioned to behave like a dude in my history. I was used to pee, while I was standing between other buddies. Sometimes I couldn’t pee, because you could get a blockade from the thoughts, that the other dudes were watching you. That they were standing very close to me. They could hear, or not, that you were peeing, or not peeing. It was pure frustration, if you couldn’t pee after a while, because they sometimes realized, and some were also smiling about the fact, that you couldn’t pee.

What else?

Is this everything? Nope, there is much more stuff, that you have to handle as a trans woman. And now it’s time to speak about some of these things. One aspect that is becoming more and more obvious for me, is the question, if I could find a partner, that would accept me, and who I am. Male, or female, or whatever, doesn’t really matter for me, because I’m rather interested in the person, than in their sex or gender. To find a partner is a big issue, that I wasn’t able to address in the meantime. I wasn’t even able to find a person, that I could have imagined, would be a good fit for me. I had met many men and women after my coming out. Let me tell you about some of these encounters.

Dating

You can meet many guys, and all of them would be interested, only in having sex with you. The same applies to women. There seems to be a big number of people, that are curious about the body of a trans woman, but they wouldn’t really care about your feelings. It makes me feel, like they are looking only for the excitement, sexual sensation, and maybe a new experience. But, I guess they didn’t really consider to have more than one date with me. So I interrupted our acquaintances very quickly, as soon as I noticed their real intentions.

Online?

You can have hundreds of Tinder matches, all of them un-matching you, as soon as they realize, that you were born in the male sex. Some of them insulting you for their own failure, some without any further comments. Needless to say how many couples you can meet there, who are looking for a threesome.

Take aways

To sum it up, it leaves me with the impression, that there are many people who are interested in my body, but there is little, or no people at all out there, that would be interested in a real relationship with me. It seems to be my new reality. Nothing to add here.

Have a good night, Mycha

 

One thought on “One of these (dysphoria) days

  1. Hi Mycha, thank you for talking about your personal life when you really don’t have to. It really is no ones’ business and it’s so disrespectful when someone treats another as a curiosity and not a person. Please know that you are appreciated very much for your insight and for the wonderful person that you are. As far as your dating experiences, we’ve all had terrible one’s & good ones’. No matter what our gender, orientation or how we identity. I do believe that there is someone, the right one out there for all of us. The one who will treat us with respect & love us for the beautiful person that we are. You will meet that someone. Thank you again for your posts. Please enjoy the beautiful weather, even if It’s raining, it’s still a beautiful day. ❤ 🤗

    Like

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