Welcome everybody back on my blog, and lets dive into my next article.
The idea to write on that topic came up, when I had to wake up very early, to get on my flight to Munich last week. The alarm clock was set to 3:30 AM. Which was a horrible time, because I did not make it to bed before one o’clock in the morning. Two and a half hours of sleep was definitely way to little, to recover. Although I love my job, I also hate these days, when you have to wake up in the middle of the night, to get on time to your next meeting. The ring tone interrupted my sleep instantly, and I felt like shit.
One hour less
In former times I could sleep one more hour. Putting on my suit, and ready to go. But things have changed for me considerably since then. Every time after waking up, the first thing on my mind is, to go to the bathroom. After having a look at me in the mirror, my first thought is, to erase this male appearance, that doesn’t fit into my picture of a woman. It became a daily routine for me. Nothing I would ever reflect on. Check the clock. Approximately it takes me 1 hour for a complete make-over.
Same procedure as every day. Every day? Yes – every day James. Starting with shaving, then foundation, powder, eye shadow, rouge, lashes, eyeliner, brows, lipstick, hair, clothing. This morning however I saved some time, because I shaved before going to sleep, and I prepared the clothes, that I wanted to wear on that day. Everything went fine, although I was tired, tired, tired. Mission completed, but this sentence spooked through my mind: ‘OMG – why do I have to do all this?’.
Was I really uncomfortable with the fact, that I looked male underneath my usual female appearance? Life could be easier sometimes, when you had that extra hour every day. What am I even thinking about? Other women are doing the same procedures each and every day. They too wake up earlier than anybody else, just to look gorgeous. To feel well. Getting the best out of themselves, that is possible.
To be honest I’m not sure what to say about it. I was fighting with myself in the last year, to have the courage, to go out, and to look like Mycha. It was more of a psychological barrier, that I had to overcome. In the beginning I could be looking like a woman only for every second weekend. The progress I made last year went quickly, and with bigger steps, than I expected. Coming-out to my family, meant I could go from 5% of the time looking like Mycha to 90% of my time. After my final coming-out at business it became instantly 100%. There was no way back, and no more choices about it. It was obvious for me (my own thought) that I couldn’t confuse people around me, by looking male again. Such behavior can influence the way you’re perceived by people. Acceptance is a big issue, and I thought, that consistency is the only right way, to form my new image. Everyone who was informed about Mycha, had their expectations, how I would look like. My son, who was told, that there’s no more daddy, the rest of my family, friends, my business partners, coworkers, and the management, neighbors, foreigners. There was never the point, to deviate from the new normal.
But now in the middle of the night, experiencing the tough reality, of having less time to recover, it came up suddenly. I paid attention to it all day. On the way to the airport, on the plane, on my way to the meeting, all the time. There were thoughts, that were passing through my mind. What would they think about me, when I looked like a man? When I skipped my daily make-over. Why? Because it was a tough job to look like this every day! When other women don’t do their make-up, they still look like a woman. They never think about it, like I do. All the issues they may have, are related to aesthetical aspects of their appearance. That was nothing existential, like for me.
Transgender woman standards?
Who defined, how a transgender woman has to look like? There is no such thing. Every woman can look like, what she defines for herself, and how she wants to appear to other people. Every little routine that I celebrated around it, was self-driven. There was nobody out there, telling me that I have to do it like that.
Not true!!! There are always people complaining to you:
Ah, you know what? Your nails are not perfect!
Hey, your eyeliner doesn’t look natural. You have to do it like …
Why are you publishing pictures of you, when you were a man? I thought you want to be a woman?
(By the way – I am a woman, and I always was! That makes a big difference. It took me some time to figure it out. Finally I can state, that the woman was always there, and that the fact, that I couldn’t see her, doesn’t change a thing about it.)
Emancipation in full progress
I thought it was only a self confidence thing. My mindset of thinking didn’t really change since last year. It was all still present. The little person with all its insecurities, and with the self questioning personality never disappeared. That was, and that is, what makes me up. Now can I decide to look different from the new normal? I changed my wigs from time to time. Anyway this here was something else. I never gave up the comfort zone, of passing as a woman. There has been one try at the supermarket, where I didn’t wear any wig. I just had my base cap on my head, but still I had make-up on my face. The people there were staring at me, like I was an alien from Mars. Sure without my wig, I looked a little bit like Boy George. But, how could this be the permission for these folks, to stare at somebody, and to talk in whispers about that person. It made me feel a little bit uncomfortable, but I told myself, that I can stand this. Not letting them notice, how insecure I felt.
Everyday life situations
I can remember one situation, when I received a call from school. They were asking me to show up quickly, and that I needed to pick up my son. He was sick, and had vomited over his clothes on the train in the subway. He made it to the school office, so they could inform me, about what happened to him. In that situation I was in big conflict with myself, if I should go there without any delays, or if I had the time for some basic make-up, and styling? Would that have changed anything about the constitution of my child, if it took me five more minutes, to be there in place? Finally I decided to do the least of make-up, that I would feel comfortable with, to step in front of the teachers, and other people I could have met there. But what would I’ve done, if the case was more urgent? Would I take the same decisions? I guess no! All these thoughts are limiting me. They limit the freedom, to go wherever I want to go at any given time. There are also some related issues to this, who are not resolved until now. What about swimming? I mean, I am on my transition. Yes. Okay! But what can I wear at the pool? My wig is not water resistant. The make-up also will not make it very long once in contact with the water. I had no surgeries yet, so no need to discuss the other points here, that I can be uncomfortable with.
Call to action
I need to fix that issues quickly for me. The limits that I am setting for myself, are already influencing my everyday life. Maybe I should start to go out in public without any make-up. Yeah, people could react different, if I was not that tall blonde lady in her high-heels. But I have to risk it, for the sake of my own freedom. Also I want to try that at my job. There is some standards, that you have to stick to, like wearing a business suit at a customer meeting. Apart from that there is nothing, that can stop me from doing it. Finally I’m not sure how binary female I really am. That’s a long process to go, and to find the truth.
Now you see how complicated the brain of a transgender woman goes. I am always in conflict with myself. Between the wish to look as much as a woman as possible, and reality, and finally the freedom to have the choice to look different from my standard, whenever I want to.
I hope you enjoyed the insights into my current inner conflicts about my appearance in public.