How much of a woman do you need, to feel #TransIsBeautiful ?


Welcome everybody back on my blog, and lets dive into my next article.

Early bird

The idea to write on that topic came up, when I had to wake up very early, to get on my flight to Munich last week. The alarm clock was set to 3:30 AM. Which was a horrible time, because I did not make it to bed before one o’clock in the morning. Two and a half hours of sleep was definitely way to little, to recover. Although I love my job, I also hate these days, when you have to wake up in the middle of the night, to get on time to your next meeting. The ring tone interrupted my sleep instantly, and I felt like shit.

One hour less

In former times I could sleep one more hour. Putting on my suit, and ready to go. But things have changed for me considerably since then. Every time after waking up, the first thing on my mind is, to go to the bathroom. After having a look at me in the mirror, my first thought is, to erase this male appearance, that doesn’t fit into my picture of a woman. It became a daily routine for me. Nothing I would ever reflect on. Check the clock. Approximately it takes me 1 hour for a complete make-over.

Daily routine

Same procedure as every day. Every day? Yes – every day James. Starting with shaving, then foundation, powder, eye shadow, rouge, lashes, eyeliner, brows, lipstick, hair, clothing. This morning however I saved some time, because I shaved before going to sleep, and I prepared the clothes, that I wanted to wear on that day. Everything went fine, although I was tired, tired, tired. Mission completed, but this sentence spooked through my mind: ‘OMG – why do I have to do all this?’.

Discomfort?

Was I really uncomfortable with the fact, that I looked male underneath my usual female appearance? Life could be easier sometimes, when you had that extra hour every day. What am I even thinking about? Other women are doing the same procedures each and every day. They too wake up earlier than anybody else, just to look gorgeous. To feel well. Getting the best out of themselves, that is possible.

Retrospective 2016

To be honest I’m not sure what to say about it. I was fighting with myself in the last year, to have the courage, to go out, and to look like Mycha. It was more of a psychological barrier, that I had to overcome. In the beginning I could be looking like a woman only for every second weekend. The progress I made last year went quickly, and with bigger steps, than I expected. Coming-out to my family, meant I could go from 5% of the time looking like Mycha to 90% of my time. After my final coming-out at business it became instantly 100%. There was no way back, and no more choices about it. It was obvious for me (my own thought) that I couldn’t confuse people around me, by looking male again. Such behavior can influence the way you’re perceived by people. Acceptance is a big issue, and I thought, that consistency is the only right way, to form my new image. Everyone who was informed about Mycha, had their expectations, how I would look like. My son, who was told, that there’s no more daddy, the rest of my family, friends, my business partners, coworkers, and the management, neighbors, foreigners. There was never the point, to deviate from the new normal.

Tough

But now in the middle of the night, experiencing the tough reality, of having less time to recover, it came up suddenly. I paid attention to it all day. On the way to the airport, on the plane, on my way to the meeting, all the time. There were thoughts, that were passing through my mind. What would they think about me, when I looked like a man? When I skipped my daily make-over. Why? Because it was a tough job to look like this every day! When other women don’t do their make-up, they still look like a woman. They never think about it, like I do. All the issues they may have, are related to aesthetical aspects of their appearance. That was nothing existential, like for me.

Transgender woman standards?

Who defined, how a transgender woman has to look like? There is no such thing. Every woman can look like, what she defines for herself, and how she wants to appear to other people. Every little routine that I celebrated around it, was self-driven. There was nobody out there, telling me that I have to do it like that.

Not true!!! There are always people complaining to you:

Ah, you know what? Your nails are not perfect!

Hey, your eyeliner doesn’t look natural. You have to do it like …

Why are you publishing pictures of you, when you were a man? I thought you want to be a woman?

(By the way – I am a woman, and I always was! That makes a big difference. It took me some time to figure it out. Finally I can state, that the woman was always there, and that the fact, that I couldn’t see her, doesn’t change a thing about it.)

Emancipation in full progress

I thought it was only a self confidence thing. My mindset of thinking didn’t really change since last year. It was all still present. The little person with all its insecurities, and with the self questioning personality never disappeared. That was, and that is, what makes me up. Now can I decide to look different from the new normal? I changed my wigs from time to time. Anyway this here was something else. I never gave up the comfort zone, of passing as a woman. There has been one try at the supermarket, where I didn’t wear any wig. I just had my base cap on my head, but still I had make-up on my face. The people there were staring at me, like I was an alien from Mars. Sure without my wig, I looked a little bit like Boy George. But, how could this be the permission for these folks, to stare at somebody, and to talk in whispers about that person. It made me feel a little bit uncomfortable, but I told myself, that I can stand this. Not letting them notice, how insecure I felt.

Everyday life situations

I can remember one situation, when I received a call from school. They were asking me to show up quickly, and that I needed to pick up my son. He was sick, and had vomited over his clothes on the train in the subway. He made it to the school office, so they could inform me, about what happened to him. In that situation I was in big conflict with myself, if I should go there without any delays, or if I had the time for some basic make-up, and styling? Would that have changed anything about the constitution of my child, if it took me five more minutes, to be there in place? Finally I decided to do the least of make-up, that I would feel comfortable with, to step in front of the teachers, and other people I could have met there. But what would I’ve done, if the case was more urgent? Would I take the same decisions? I guess no! All these thoughts are limiting me. They limit the freedom, to go wherever I want to go at any given time. There are also some related issues to this, who are not resolved until now. What about swimming? I mean, I am on my transition. Yes. Okay! But what can I wear at the pool? My wig is not water resistant. The make-up also will not make it very long once in contact with the water. I had no surgeries yet, so no need to discuss the other points here, that I can be uncomfortable with.

Call to action

I need to fix that issues quickly for me. The limits that I am setting for myself, are already influencing my everyday life. Maybe I should start to go out in public without any make-up. Yeah, people could react different, if I was not that tall blonde lady in her high-heels. But I have to risk it, for the sake of my own freedom. Also I want to try that at my job. There is some standards, that you have to stick to, like wearing a business suit at a customer meeting. Apart from that there is nothing, that can stop me from doing it. Finally I’m not sure how binary female I really am. That’s a long process to go, and to find the truth.

Now you see how complicated the brain of a transgender woman goes. I am always in conflict with myself. Between the wish to look as much as a woman as possible, and reality, and finally the freedom to have the choice to look different from my standard, whenever I want to.

I hope you enjoyed the insights into my current inner conflicts about my appearance in public.

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Love, Mycha

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2 Comments

  1. Melba, thank you very much for your feedback, your encouraging words, and for sharing your heartbreaking story with us. In my family there has been also lots of violence from our father against my mother. The reason was alcohol – which in my eyes can be considered as a drug as well. Depends on how much you drink, and what kind of effects it has on your personal life, and those around you. For our family the situation was very similar, to what you described. It didn’t stop until my parents got divorced. I can imagine, that this was not easy for you, to go through. It’s always a tough decision, to quit a long lasting relationship. Especially when that person was the only one, who you could trust. However it’s good to read that you saved yourself and your children from further violence of that man. Acceptance is nothing that we get by nature. We have to fight for it every single day. Even people that are superficially accepting you, can have issues with you. I challenge everyone, to find the truth about their real positions. It makes me sad, to find that reality is frequently very different, from the desired state. Are they really accepting, or are they just pretending? You can see it in the lines in between, how they really act with you. However it’s a challenge to work with them, and to constantly educate them. This is going to be a topic on my next article, as I was really thinkful about it in the last days. I hope, that at least you get some fundmental approval from your family. Everyone deserves that. Love, Mycha

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  2. You are beautiful! Seriously! People may stare, some of it may be (self) hate, but more often than not, they are curious., and don’t know how to initiate proper dialogue and forget their manners. Also, they are probably projecting their own insecurities. I truly enjoy reading your blog, and I thank you so much for sharing your stories, your life, your transition, your thoughts, your feelings, and experiences! They give me great hope! I’ve spent my life as a closeted and inexperienced/never acting outside my own thoughts and imagination-lesbian. Too much strict Catholicism growing up. Too much of a lifelong homophobe of a father. My siblings are vocal homophobes as well. I stifled my feelings, stifled myself. Too ashamed to be what I am outside the safe confines of my mind. Too afraid. My ex-husband knew/knows. He’s the only one. We brought up our children to be accepting of any and all. I loved him, and we “dated” all through middle, and high schools, then college. We graduated and worked together. We have four children. Three boys and one girl. He was my cover whom then became my security blanket. I relied on him immensely for self-esteem, understanding, and support. He enabled me to just be the ‘Tom-Boy’ of the family, the “Your mother and I KNEW you weren’t gay! Just ‘sporty’.”-Daughter/Sister/Aunt/Cousin/Friend/MOTHER. I took the children and left my husband while I was 4 months pregnant with our daughter. I left him to spare the children of a life I know nothing of. He became a drug addict, unbeknownst to me. I truly made excuses for all the warning signs. He cheated on me. Promised to get help, wouldn’t. Promised to change, didn’t. Became physically abusive toward me, never the children. Totally changed. After being my best friend for 25 years, knowing him for 31-we met in daycare at 2-I KNOW! :), anyway, he was a stranger to me. He let it slip that he could no longer stand knowing deep down that I would prefer he were a woman, yet…not a day-and I mean that, not one single day passed where we didn’t have(relations,) save for baby recoveries (TMI sorry!) Anyhow, I still stayed, but when he assaulted me in front of the kids, and my boys saw, plus, I feared for the safety of our unborn daughter…that was it. In closing, he’s not contacted us since leaving on July 8, 2015, he’s never met our daughter, and he does not contribute anything. He was THE BEST husband and father IMO before. Drugs…sigh…what can I say? I know nothing of them, outside of marijuana and alcohol. But I know this-I fear I’ll live alone, and only my children will truly love me or engage with me. I fear I shall die closeted, at an old age, because I fear rejection from my family too much. Maybe I should just focus on my children, but I want the support of my parents, siblings, and friends. I want them to tell me it’s okay, that I’m okay, that I’m fine just as I am-but I do not expect that. Each success story, each brave individual like yourself, who takes the plunge and puts themselves out there, saying, “Here I am, world…accept me or-good day!” Gives. Me. Hope! Thank you so very much from the depths of my SOUL! Maybe I’ll get there some day. I hope! 🙂

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