Good morning everyone, and welcome back.
In the last days my mind was kind of blocked. I couldn’t complete the other article, that I am still writing on. The same happened to my Twitter activities, and also to any other accounts, that I am using. For the very first time – after constant social media contribution since fall 2016 – I was upset of tweeting. There were many things, that made up my thoughts apart from the internet. But I couldn’t share that stuff with you. I think, that I just needed some time for myself, reflecting what happened throughout the last months. There have been huge changes, that affected every little aspect of my everyday life. Nothing remained as it was before.
Call with my mother
Let me tell you about yesterday. I had a usual day at my home office. My son wasn’t at home most of the time, returning very late from school, and I was very concentrated on my work. Later in the evening I worked on my terrace, completing the last preparation for the spring season. Temperatures are rising again, so it was really the time, to get this done. Later that night I received a call from my mother. She invited us for Easter Sunday. We are planning a come together with the family for lunchtime, and coffee. That was a couple of days ago. I think, she was not sure about our relationship at the moment. We didn’t talk personally, or on the phone since some weeks now. It started with a typical conversation. She was trying to be interested in my updates. Asking me questions, why I didn’t contact her before. What I did in the past weeks, and so on. The very typical mother questions. In between whenever she used my name, she used my old name, misgendering me all the time. This really set me up, as it finally showed me, that she has made no progress in accepting, who I am.
Next generation of self confident transgender people
I belong to the next generation of self confident transgender people. Having little to no gender dysphoria. Although I get misgendered, and confronted with transphobic behaviors all the time, it doesn’t influence me in any way. I simply try to ignore it. The vast majority is the people, that know me very well – like folks I meet in everyday life – members of my family, my friends, and on my job. But I’m still feeling confident about my life, and the choices that I have made in the recent past. The decision to have my coming-out is far away, from being questioned, well at least by myself. Also I became tired of educating the people around me. It’s really annoying, to tell them, how they should be behaving. That I am Mycha, or Ms. Goldmann. Don’t get me wrong. I didn’t give it up completely. What I want to tell you, is that my attention shifted over to other priorities for the moment.
Then she (my mother) asked me about the relationship to my siblings. I answered with the truth. My brother is the most unreliable person, that I know. Whenever we made an appointment, he didn’t appear. Not at the arranged time. Not at all often enough. Out of ten times planning to see each other, he would keep an appointment only one time. So I told him some weeks ahead, that I was no longer interested in scheduling any further meetings with him for now. I wouldn’t send him away, if he was ringing my bell. Anyway setting anything up with him, means frustration for me. So I told him, that we will see each other rather by chance, than having another try.
I did’t speak to my sister since my coming-out late in November 2016. At that time she broke up any contact with me. Beforehand she was insulting me of many things. Not specifically about me being her transgender sister, but there were many other things, that she had thrown on me. The only thing I was wondering about, was that she came up with it, in the same situation, that I had discussed my coming-out with her. Coincidence?
But now let’s get back to the call with my mother – we were talking about whether my siblings were invited for Easter celebrations at my mother’s house as well. How it would be, when my sister, and me were there together at the same place. The situation could really go wrong, but I was sure, that I need not to talk to her. Nothing at all except maybe a short ‘hello’. I was very relaxed regarding the potential of such a situation. I could always leave the house, and drive back home with my four little kids. Any time. No problem.
Then she started to blame me, why I have such a bad relationship with my sister. Referencing to some situation that was five years ago at the wedding of my cousin. Things went really wrong back then.
Honestly? She was referencing to that historic situation? I was furious about my sister. How could she tell my mother, that we have no contact, because of a situation, that occurred in history? That was complete nonsense. I thought: ‘what a ****’. Okay I said it out loud one time, before my mother stopped me from going on with that. Then she started defending my sister. Taking over her position. Blaming me for everything. The rest of the conversation has gone even worse, and the moment came up, when she hung up the line.
Wow, I was still in full rage about my mother. The way she was putting all blame on my shoulders, was not fair. It was not the first time, that we had such an escalation. Why did I even pick up the call? There were many situations where I ignored her incoming calls, because I was not balanced enough, to take the risk. This time I thought, that I can make it. I had a relaxing day until that conversation came up. 30 minutes ago I was feeling relaxed and tired. Now that was not possible any more. How can I go to sleep, with that stuff on my mind?
I needed an instant solution, a clean-up my mind message, and texted her:
Hey Mama, from now on I want to go my own way. I am doing better without arguing with you. Each time getting criticized by you. In your opinion there was not a single thing, that I did right in my life. But I am maybe the only member of our family who made it. Completely opposite to my siblings. I take care of my four lovely children. No matter when they need me. I respect them without any doubt, not even thinking about it, regardless who they are going to be in the future. Nothing, not even the separation from my wife changed that. By the way the both of us (me and my ex-wife) get on with each other better than anytime before. When asking for my personal opinion, these kids (my kids) are going to be the last grandchildren that you’re gonna have. Or do you believe that my siblings are going to have some kids? I don’t think so! I’m very good on my job, and it allows me to live an independent life. I can afford anything, that is on my wish list. Everything that I start – I never give up before I have my results. After my coming-out I live openly as a woman. That was my biggest desire since I can think. I have more achievements on my list, than any other member of that *** family. But instead of some respect, and acknowledgement you always treated me like the biggest idiot. I came to the point, where I don’t have to put up with that. Therefore wishing you all the best, and a beautiful life. From now on I don’t want any contact with you. The family doesn’t exist for so long, and I don’t need the remaining fragments. Regards, Mycha
Then I had a two hour call with my best friend Tina. We were sharing, and discussing the experiences of our last days. She was loosing her job, because of some mobbing, and me with that broken family. It helped me a lot, to have her listen to my problems. Everything seemed not that worse, as I thought before, when the phone call with my mother was finished. I fell asleep.
That Freddie Mercury song was on my mind – all the time!!! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h1ryiuVKxG4
“Mamma uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu” – Does she (mama) even know, that this catchy tune song is playing on my mind, any time we have been arguing with each other?
She already wrote a message, and left another message in my mailbox, excusing herself. I could cry a happy tear. She is still my mother, even though love and hate come very close from time to time.
With this in our minds, have a good day.