What it really means to come-out, and to live as a transgender today
Written by Mycha Goldmann in March 2017
Today I want to share my full coming-out story with you. Why it took me so many years, to take the next step. What finally triggered me to do it, and how it feels now to finally be on target.
Immigration from Poland
Let me start in my younger years. My family immigrated from Poland, which is maybe the most christian and conservative country I know personally.
There are even in our days no openly living gay people. No need to discuss about transgender folks. They must be there, but hiding themselves behind the security of their usual lives. I was raised in a very catholic family with many traditions, and noone ever before did something unconventional. My father was in that perspective maybe the pioneer, and it was my fathers decision, to leave Poland, and to move to Germany. It was a big break for the family, to leave everything behind us. At the time my father went to Germany I was 6 years old.
We had to wait for two more years, until the rest of us could also move to Germany – including my mother, my younger brother, and my sister.
Finally in Germany
I was 8 years, when I came to Düsseldorf, Germany. Then my parents broke up their relationship, and got divorced. In those years I found, that I was somehow not straight, but also I couldn’t figure out, what was going on with me. I knew definitely that I was different. But when you are new to the place, that is being chosen your new home, you try to get on track. Learn the language, being good at school, support your mother, don’t arise with anything, that could cause more confusion with the family.
Trouble in the Ghetto
I was also in trouble all the time. Because the part of Düsseldorf I grew up, was a hostile place for me. We were not welcome from the beginnings, and it took us a lot of time, to recover, especially me who was the older brother. Either I was running all the time, or I was fighting all the time. I got knives being held at my stomach, and a gun held to my head. There was no point to show any weaknesses, like being gay, or being different at all. So I was still hiding my true self, trying to survive.
When I grew older to the age of 16, things seemed to improve for me. Well at least in some aspects. I met some really bad guys, who took some responsibility for me. That was really a breakthrough in my life, because I didn’t have to run anymore. The forces between me and my so called former ‘friends’ became balanced from one day to another. My new friendship managed all the protection, and respect that was necessary, to keep me out of any trouble with these guys, who were making my life being hell in the past years.
When I think about it, back in these days I can smile over it. Knowing that this is just my history, and assured this is never being repeated. Well having a good protection from friends is a good thing on the one hand. On the other hand I still couldn’t be me. There were unwritten rules, that I couldn’t override, unless I wanted to loose the current state of protection. That situation didn’t finish, until I moved to my own place at the age of 21. Far enough to get lost of all these people, that were anything else than my real friends.
False positive coming-out
When I was 21, I can remember the situation quite well, as if it was yesterday. I had a boyfriend, and decided to tell my family about it. We were sitting altogether in the kitchen, which was the place for any important topics in our family. My mother, my brother, and my sister were sitting with me at that white table in the kitchen. I did a short introduction, that I had to say something. Then really straight ahead I was telling them about my boyfriend, and that I was considering myself being gay. Then after a short break I looked into the faces around me. My mother looked, as if she’s going to cry within the next minute. Tears were already in her eyes. Then she instantly left the kitchen. There really was no more conversation between the remaining family members. I think, I also left, after a couple of minutes passed by, to my room, knowing I have done the right thing, but maybe it would take a while for them, to accept it.
The next day I gave my boyfriend a call. I told him stuff, like I was not loving him. He became very rude on the phone. But it was true. I was not loving him. At the moment I speaked out that I was gay, I knew, that I wasn’t. I was attracted to men sometimes, but also in the same way I felt attracted to girls. Today I know that there is bisexuals out there, and that most likely I am one of them. Well I have some phases that were more focussed on dating girls. And then there were also phases, that I was dating guys.
Building my own perfect world around me
A few years later I met my wife Veronika. It was love from the first time, that we saw each other. Wow, that was really a great time, after all I’ve been through. I can still remember the day, we met each other. She walked a little bit clumsy down the road in her super high heels. I thought that is maybe the cutest thing, I’ve ever seen. Me and my friend waiting for her, on a parking lot of a supermarket, to pick her up in that village in the middle of nowhere. We had some Latte Machiatos in the only bar they had there. She was sitting on the opposite side of the table to the both of us. I took that little sugar bags, being nervous like never before. In that situation I was out of order (in a positive way). As I wanted to put that sugar into my coffee, I didn’t realize, that it was going straight to the ashtray. I was fully concentrated on her. Then instantly she started to laugh, and I realized my mistake. After a while she left us to go to the restrooms.
I looked in the eyes of my friend, who originally was dating that girl. He asked me to be the driver at lunchtime earlier that day. His other good friend was busy, and he had no car to go there. So he asked me. We had at least an hour of discussions, why we shouldn’t go there. I tried to convince him, that online dating is a big failure. The only thing he knew about her, was that she was a girl, and he then guessed, that she must be attractive. Honestly? My position on that date was really clear. I had no ambitions, to drive 70 km in one way, just to date a girl, that we never have seen before. Not even a picture. He was trying everything to convince me. Then in a weak moment, I agreed to give it a try. Just once to teach him, that you never ever date girls online.
But now that we sat there, it was obviously good to be there. I smiled on him, and without any word from me, he said that it’s okay. Even he could see that magic between us. It felt like she moved into my place the next day, because there was hardly a day, that we didn’t see each other. The first time in my life I was happy, just happy.
We got married in 2005. A few months after our first daughter was born. God I wanted to be the best father on earth, knowing that my own father has never been there for me. I wanted nothing to change that. Thought that these ideas in my head about being different couldn’t be true. They couldn’t. I fixed my mind with the luck, that was surrounding me, and it all worked perfectly for a while. Our son was born, then our daughter, and then our daughter.
Yes, we had/still have four kids. That family was perfect, and we’ve been the luckiest family on earth. But before our last girl was born, the romance was over.
The end of perfection
We’ve been through hard times as well. I was working in southern Germany. My wife and our kids remained in Düsseldorf. There was never a weekend, that I couldn’t manage to see my family. But it was a hard time for all of us. My goal was earning money, and I totally stepped into that trap, taking that job in Stuttgart. The distance was 400 km in one way. In that time we were working hard to make this work, but we failed. All the love has disappeared. Our kids were the last link between us.
There was this evening in that Italian restaurant, where we knew we had to talk about it to each other. There was no emotions. Just the massive respect for each other, and a common view, that our relationship was over. It existed only on the marriage certificate.
The kids stayed with her, and I moved to another place in the same town. A little bit later she decided that it would be the best for her and the kids, that they moved back to her hometown, closer to the rest of her family into that little village. Over these years I was seeing my kids every second weekend. I had my own life, with much space to find the true myself again.
I think every transgender person has a different story to tell from their own very personal background. As you can see so far, my transgender bio is matching no stereotypes until now, and there will be hardly some of them, that I will be able to confirm to you in the upcoming lines.
Most of my lifetime I was knowing, that something deep inside me, was very different from all the other people around me. But honestly I had no final clue, until I had my coming-outs back in December last year. Until then I had only little knowledge on other transgenders at all. In the meantime I became very ambitious about it, and I think I closed many of the educational gaps, that have been in place.
Are there any classic transgenders out there?
These days you can read some stories, and reports about transgender people all around the world. Some of them also from famous people. I have read many of these statements, saying from a very young age – almost as they were little kids, they knew who they were. I can understand that there may be different information maturities among people, but I failed to see it for my own life for a very long time. And it’s true, that I am asking myself quite often, what would my life look like, if I could understand all that information before.
Can you be happy before transition?
Also I must acknowledge, that although and especially in in the beginning of that story my life was anything else than perfect, I am proud of my historical background. It finally made that personality, who I am now. I would never ever say, that I have missed something. I was also happy back in these days. Yes, that is really possible. All is up to your perspective. I always knew that ‘worse’ is no option, but ‘better’ very likely to be achievable. That mindset carried me throughout the years.
There is no standards among trans folks!
Let me repeat that, what other transgenders stated about, when they knew, they were trans, it doesn’t apply to what I have experienced. As I said before, all trans folks are diverse. So never believe, you have read everything about us, or know all the things about us. There are many stories, and more than one truth. The only right thing you can do, is to stay open. I will point out, why it’s important, at a later stage of that coming-out story series.
Understanding and accepting
Let me get you through this step by step. While in the years before I was pushing away any deeper thoughts, about what could be really going on with me, I became more and more open to search for it. And more importantly to accept, that it’s me. I came to the point, that I couldn’t run away from it any more.
Okay I admit, there have been some stereotypes. Since I can remember I was interested in women’s clothes. However at that stage, I couldn’t link it, to being transgender. It started with the exploration of my own sexuality. The most craziest point about sex in a conservative, and catholic family is, that there is no sex at all. Sounds maybe funny for those of you, who grew up in a more open and liberal family. But these things were never discussed throughout my family. At the age of ten I was cutting out women from newspapers. God I was collecting albums of these pictures. It was a tough mission for a ten year old boy, to hide them all the time. OMG remembering it, comes along very funny now. I was always on the look for some newspapers, that I can get, so that nobody would be missing them. I can’t really say, if my mother ever found them.
The unwritten codex
And I guess she wouldn’t want to talk about it with me, even if she did. Yeah that’s christian lifestyle. Things were going on, but you never talked about them. Never. Rule number one: Don’t you ever talk about it! By the way do some of you remember the rules from that hollywood movie ‘Fightclub’? When I saw that movie on the cinema with my friends, I had to start laughing about it, and couldn’t get it to an end, because it reminded me exactly of the unwritten codex in my family. I must have been like an alien from mars, to those friends, that were accompanying me that day at the movie theatre. I was barely rolling on the floor, hearing ‘shut up!’ from behind. Oh my goodness.
Lets go back from the cinema into real life situations.
After the separation from my wife, I was living in Düsseldorf. I had my own apartment close the the city center, in a 15 minutes walking distance from all the nightlife. It was exactly what I needed to get some diversion from time to time. At daytime I was working hard, in my job as a salesman in the software industry. I loved my job, loved the travelling across the country, and it gave me the freedom, to have some benefits that I couldn’t afford in my youth. The one thing that was obvious for me, there were no other queer people in the IT industry. Again I have to say, they must have been there, but there were not visible to me. My decision not to talk about my probable queerness, was funded on that observations. Obviously there was noone else showing, or discussing it, so how could I.
Being a blueprint for other queer folks
That’s also a reason why I was going that public in the last months. I want to show people basically two things:
1) There are transgenders in our industry. With a good job, and families in their backgrounds, and anyone is fine with that. It’s no issue! You can be who you are, without having to worry about your income, or that your new reputation could strike you back into poverty. It all really only depends, if you are good, at what you are doing!
2) Fighting against prejudices and stereotypes. Transgender people are here, and we do the same jobs as you do. Not all of us work in the creative industry, in the porn business, or work as prostitutes. Get over it!
We shouldn’t skip all the parts in between, before I gained all that confidence. Being an unspectacular person, was a tough job throughout my lifetime. Starting with my puberty, I was drilled, to what was expected from me. I had to fit into the role model of my assigned gender. Everything that was outside the norms was commented, everything! ‘This is gay!’ – when you did something, that was not masculine enough. ‘You play like a girl’ (okay it was ‘p*ssy’, but I thought watching my language, as some younger folks may read this also.). There are countless examples, and you know them all. We use them everyday. Even I used them. Every person is going through that kind of social conditioning!
Performance against the standard
When being conditioned all the time, you automatically start to adapt to these expectations. Most people never question that, and it seems to be broadly accepted in society. The majority is never questioning. But when you are not a cis person, and not heterosexual, than definitely you do that. As a queer you ask yourself all the time, if that makes any sense to you, and it doesn’t, but the intense social pressure sets you back, and you also stick to that expectations. At least it applied to me in the last decades. But in your mind remains something else. It’s a feeling that is always present. Does the gesture I am doing, when welcoming my friends, match what all the other guys are doing? You simply observe every little aspect about your own behavior. Always matching against the standard, and how you perform against it. In common language we would call that role playing. I was role playing the man that I never was, since I started thinking.
Living in multiple roles
I was playing every role that was demanded from me: a father, a husband, sometimes a macho, a ladies’ man, a strong brother, a friend you could always ask to go out, and have a beer, … Honestly I should get more than one Oscar for these performances. Don’t get me wrong – I was loving my wife, my kids, my life, but it was never that I was myself.
There were few occasions I had, where I wouldn’t do that. For example when dating guys on the internet. That was almost like entering another world. It was mostly anonymous social gathering. These guys hardly remembered my name, when we had the chance, to get in touch at a later point in time. In these situations I was completely relaxed. I could be feminine, and I could have weaknesses. Dating a girl was completely different from that. Well, I was not dating guys all the time, but I had to do this on a regular base, just for compensation. The good thing about it was, that it kept me from going mad about the life that I had. On the other hand it was delaying the need to confront myself with the truth.
What really triggered me to do the next step, was something I didn’t really plan back in summer 2016. I was surfing an online shop, looking for some equipment for a date, that I was planning with a girl, that I recently got to know on a dating website. She was very open to have some casual dating with me, and we already discussed some details. Me finding, that I have to go shopping, before that date could take place in the planned setup. I was clicking through the categories, and by coincidence landed on the wigs page. I never have used one before, but it was instantly very interesting to get one. So I clicked it into my shopping cart, and finally ordered it. I was very curious about, how it would look like on me. At the same moment I lied to myself, that I would just try it once, and that maybe one of the girls, that I would be dating, could wear it, while we had our next date. I thought it would be a nice requisite to have on stock, just in case there was an upcoming opportunity to use it. It took some days, until it was delivered to my place. The morning the parcel sevice was ringing my doorbell, I was relaxed, because you could choose from different labels, that were less evident, from what kind of shop you really ordered something. Still my mind was thinking, what if the delivery driver would know, what kind of shop it was? Just one more example how inhibited you can get from social conditioning.
It was the weekend, when my ex wife had our four kids, until I tried on my new wig. It was just a short fitting, sobering me, that it was not the complete look. This couldn’t be everything that was possible. So I opened the webshop of a drugstore, that I knew, they were selling makeup, and other female cosmetics. I was new to all these things, so it took me the whole weekend watching Youtube tutorials, that completed my checklist with items, to start my first conversion.
You may ask yourself, why didn’t I go to a regular shop? Believe me, I played that scenario more than one time in my head. The conclusion was, that I couldn’t risk it. There could been someone, seeing me, asking stupid questions, and I was not able to figure it out, how I could explain myself to that fictitious person. Sounds like persecution mania for you? Okay that’s good, because it’s exactly how you feel in these thoughts. I am in general a person, that needs to be ready for all eventualities. At least I’m thinking about every option possible, not only in regards of that particular situation. I had that thoughts about anything, that was new to me. I was very concerned that the perfect roleplay can be at risk, after I played it for so many years without leaving any traces. Maybe one reason why I would never rob a bank.
I was never seeing myself as a woman, before that moment, when I looked into that mirror on that particular day. That idea was too far away. Burried under the uptightness of my questioning personality. Again I was having a free weekend. It took hours to get my makeover completed to my satisfaction. From the experiences I made before, I was more assured, that I was a type of cross-dresser. Some kind of perv hiding his dirty hobbies from anyone else, especially from my own self. From time to time trying on some womens clothes, or using a lipstick. In that moment it became obvious, that I was more than that. I was standing there in front of the mirror for about an hour. Not really interested how I looked like. I was seeing directly into my own eyes, thinking. It was a magical moment, like someone was explaining to me the true story about my real destiny.
Today the situation of my family is more comfortable, from many perspectives. Last year my ex-wife moved back to Düsseldorf, so I can see my kids more often, than just every second weekend. We found that we can support each other better, when we live in the same city. When she moved to her new place, my son decided, that he wants to live with me. The girls are still living with her, but it feels more like a family for me, since I got my little boy here. We are a patchworking family, and I got back the responsibility of parenthood, which feels really really good.
Mycha was born
Since summer 2016 the situation also evolved for me individually, in that way, that being Mycha became a regular part of my life. I was using every opportunity that I had, to get to know the woman, that I am, and the girl in the mirror became more and more my new reality. It didn’t take long, and my desire to go out in public, grew to a level, that I felt, I was ready for the next big step. But where can I go, and is it safe? What would all the other people think about me? For my first attempt, I needed to have a good plan in my pocket.
The search for a perfect occasion to show myself to the world as Mycha, became a lavish undertaking. I needed tolerant people, before I was confronted with any transphobia, or any comments that could have set me back. My fears were overwhelming me. One day I found a party, that was a perfect fit for the first test drive in public. It was still some weeks in the future, so I had time to get ready for it – mentally, and dressed up as well. With every day the big day was coming closer. It was a Saturday night, and I had my free weekend. I bought a dress, highheels, and a better wig, because I wanted to look as perfect as possible. At least at the same level as any other girl on that party. When I had finished my makeup, and put on my clothes, I stepped in front of the mirror for a final check. Okay let’s go! I was not that confident, as I should have been. There was a possibility, still to cancel this, I thought. But I wanted it that much, that I forced myself to the frontdoor. Taking a deep breath, before I opened the door. Noone to see in front of the house. A perfect moment to start off. I carefully stepped down the stairs. Although I had practiced walking in that heels for some weeks, it felt unfamiliar to walk on that steel bars. And suddenly one of my heels hooked with one of the stairs so surprisingly, that I barely fell down the rest of the steps. I secured my walk, by holding the railing for the rest of my way down. Then quickly walking to the garage, pulling out my car. Finally driving towards Dortmund, which is a city at the same size as Düsseldorf, but 60 kilometers to go. The GPS guided my way. I also turned on the music very loud, with my most favorite singer Helene Fischer (her music is comparable to country music in the U.S.). Her album played the whole time.
When I arrived at the scene, still pushed by the music, I was looking for a parking place, as close to the entry as possible. Two guys in a car stopped right next to my drivers window, asking me where the next gas station was, then disappeared. I checked myself in the mirror, putting more lipstick on my lips. Exiting the car I took my little handbag with me. It was still some walk alongside some old warehouses. The place was dark and abandoned. Then after a few meters suddenly I heard some steps behind me. I was nervous. Looked around and saw the two guys from that car. ‘Shit’ I was thinking, and my steps became faster. There was a light in 100 meters distance, and I could hear the music setting in. Okay I’ve made it. The rest of the way was brightened with lights, and I could notice some surveillance cameras on the building. The guys started calling me, but I simply ignored them. How did I ended up here? In a lost industrial estate, in the middle of the night, without having seen a human being since my arrival, except these stupid guys. When I reached the door, it was shut, and the two of them came very close. They scanned me from top to bottom, asking me about the party. I was just standing there, hoping for the door to open in front of me, and I couldn’t speak a word. There was a camera pointing on us above the entry, so I thought at least someone would see this, when it comes very bad. I never had these feelings at such places before, when I was out as a man. Then some other folks approached to us. Laughter, it was some girls accompanied by some guys, maybe a handful of people. I became more relaxed, realizing that I was not alone here. The door opened, and the music poored from the inside very loud. ‘Welcome’ the doortender said, and let me go in, whilst the creepy guys have to stay outside. They had some discussions about the dresscode with the doorguy, and it seemed to me, that they would have to stay outside. I didn’t care about it any more, when I reached the counter. They had two prices, one for ladies, and one for men. Without asking me if that was okay, the woman at the counter said the price. Okay, I didn’t pass. I pulled out my wallet out of my handbag, and paid the entry without complaining. There have been lots of people already. The dancefloor was packed, so I decided to get a drink at the bar. I had the feeling, that anyone was scanning me. OMG my legs were shaking. I definitely would need a hard drink, to relax myself a little. I ordered a Mojito, which was my most favorite drink since a very long time. I took the glass, drinking through the straw. The drink was half full, after I emptied it. The party was in full progress, and I didn’t recognize anybody. Good feeling to be here, I thought. I started walking around, noticing, that people were staring at me. Then found a place on the outside at the pool. Girls were sitting aside on plastic chairs, and I decided to take my place there, too. I was enjoying myself with the drink, knowing it would be the first, and the last one for the night, unless I planned to stay here. Don’t drink and drive! Some girls stood up and left the chairs right beside me, then a couple came around. Both of them smiled into my eyes, gesturing if it would be okay for me, if they sat down there. I nodded, and then we started a conversation, and smoked some cigarettes together. That was the moment, when I completely arrived there – also mentally. We got to know each other better, and later I met some of their friends. They introduced me to all the people, they knew there. Everyone was just friendly.
Some months after my debute, after many parties in the meantime with almost good experiences, I felt that I wanted more. It was a Sunday morning in November, when I called my best friend. The kids were with my ex-wife. I told my friend that I would need someone to talk to, before I pick up my son in the evening. We arranged to meet in the afternoon in the old city center, to have some food, and with enough time to discuss the situation. She said she would be glad to come with me, in case anything went wrong with my coming-out. She even tried to to talk me out of my plan, considering that it’s so damn final and risky. She was always a person that was even more questioning things, than I usually did. Why did I even ask her to speak about it? In the afternoon we were on the way to my kids. She was still complaining, but in that situation I didn’t listen to her anymore. When we walked up the stairs, I was trying to get rid of every doubt on my mind. When I arrived my ex-wife stood in the door. At the moment she realized I looked different, she just smiled and asked me to come in. She looked at me, then asked ‘is everything okay?’. And I confirmed that it was. I entered the living room followed by my supporting friend, greeting and hugging my children. They were instantly asking me about my appearance, and I just explained, that daddy will now always be like that, and that it’s not a joke. We sat at the table, and my kids grouped around me, looking at me all the time. They smiled a lot, as if they were insecure how to deal with it, but also really amused about my new appearance. It took a while until they started asking me more questions about it. The two women (ex-wife and my friend) left the room, and I was guessing that they would have a conversation about me in the kitchen. She would explain it to my ex-wife, while I was talking to my kids. When they came back after a while, my ex-wife came to hug me, saying she has a big respect for what I’ve decided, and that she will support me. I shouldn’t worry about anything. The evening became very late, and the kids had to go to school the next day, so I was still not sure, if my son would be coming home with me. I asked him, what he’s planning to do, and that if he decides to stay with his mum, I would be okay with that. He seemed not very amused, about my new look. ‘I want to go home’ he said, which meant everything was almost as usual. It was more than I expected. But his face was telling something else. Some days later we were having a talk, where he confirmed his decision, and that he was okay with the new situation. It was really surprising for me, how quick and easy it was for him, to accept me. He is one of my biggest advocates, althouh sometimes he is telling me, that he wanted to live with me, to have more time with his father. Anytime this happens, we take our time, to talk with each other. After all he is doing really fine. Since my coming-out my oldest daughter comes to visit me very often. She never used to do that before, and I feel that we have a very strong connection to each other. My younger girls, are also fine. Today my kids call me by my name ‘Mycha’, and it feels like it has never been different before.
Until that day, when I appeared to my family in my new appearance, it was an exception almost limited to every second weekend, where I could live my new life. Starting with the next Monday morning, where I had a day in my homeoffice, I had to keep up with the expectations of my son, that I would always look like a woman. I was so happy, that he accepted it, and didn’t wanted to cause any confusions with him. It’s easier when you stick to the things, that you announced. My everyday routine included at least basic makeup, and wearing women’s clothing. When I had a meeting for my job, I explained, that I have to dress as a man, not to loose my job. It was like a costume, or like an uniform that you have to wear for your profession.
Company meeting day 1
It was only a month later, when I attended a two day meeting at our office in Schwerte, a smaller town close to Dortmund. The first day I woke up, and headed uniformed as a salesman to that location. I left after the team dinner at a restaurant before midnight, then returned late to Düsseldorf. While we were having our meeting, I was thinking all day, why I had to wear that disguise, and what would happen if I wouldn’t. Another point was, that there were no more meetings coming up this year, where I could come-out to my company. The next opportunity would be beginning of January, when we had our sales kickoff in Bucharest, Romania. And I thought, that it wouldn’t be applicable, to surprise my German team with the news, when all the other people of the headquarters, and all other locations would be present. I thought that’s the last opportunity for a very long time. I came home around midnight. Shortly after my arrival I went to bed, closed my eyes and tried to get some sleep. There was another full day meeting tomorrow. Anyway I couldn’t stop thinking about, if there would ever come up a good occasion to tell my boss and the team, that I was already someone else. After three hours of thinking I decided, that I have to do it. I adjusted the alarm clock to an earlier hour, because it would take me longer to get ready for that day, especially the makeup part. I was so tired that I immediately fell asleep.
Company meeting day 2
The alarm clock woke me up from my sleep, which has been way too short – only few hours. I got up, and headed directly to the bathroom. Completed my makeup procedures in less than 1 hour. Had some breakfast, and drove to Schwerte. Already on the road I was wondering, whether my best friend was already awake. I told Siri to call her, and listened to the ringtone on my handsfree phone through the car radio. She took the call, asking me what was going on. We usually never talked that early in the morning to each other. I explained her, that I was on my way to Schwerte, to meet my company, and that I was dressed like a woman. She was shocked. ‘Honestly? Are you sure, you know what you’re doing?’ she shouted at me. ‘No, you are just kidding!’ she yelled. I said, that I was completely serious. Not joking at all. We started discussing. I got the feeling, that I needed her to encourage me on my plan, but she behaved completely the opposite way. When I realized, that my mood started to drop down, because she was unable to be supportive in that moment, I hung up the call. She tried to call me back maybe 12 times, before she gave up on me. Then started texting me the things, she wanted me to know. I became angry. Decided to ignore my smartphone. I had to do something else for my positive motivation. Thanks god I had Helene Fischer (the singer) on my playlist. With the first song, I started balancing myself back to normal. After one hour I arrived at the parking lot behind the office building. I parked my car there, and went to the elevator. There have been only a few people on my way. When I entered the office, there was only one colleague there, sitting at her desk. She didn’t even look up, but I knew that she must have noticed me. I mean I was looking like another person. Even people I knew, wouldn’t recognize me. Anyway there was no reaction, no emotions on her face. ‘Okay.’ I thought, I can play the same game. As I had to print out my expenses forms, I asked her if she could do that for me, and she did. I knew the meeting was upstairs, and that my team must be meeting already, although I was not too late. So I went back to the elevator, still wondering, if that reaction of my colleague was normal behavior in such a situation. When I came down the way to the meeting room, I could already see that one of the colleagues behind the glas, has noticed my arrival. However he started looking in another direction, as he realized, that I was coming into that room. I approached very quickly going exactly to the same place I was having the day before. As I sat down, someone said ‘carnival!’ – but to sum it up, I saw total confusion in the faces around me. So I decided to do a brief introduction: ‘It’s not a carnival dress, this is permanent. I call myself Mycha, and I hope that everybody is fine with that.’. My boss already in the middle of a presentation, proceded with the content without any comment. After a while, he made a short break, stating: ‘Hello Mysha, you’r welcome. All I have to say is, that I don’t care how someone looks like, as long as you bring in your numbers.’ That’s it. Of course there have been further conversations with my boss, and also with my colleagues on some of the details, that were relevant to us. But I must say, that the way how open and professional they have welcomed me, was amazing, and it has completely changed my mind on my company in a very positive way.
Why it’s important
In a previous section I wrote: ‘Never believe, you have read everything about us, or know all the things about us. There are many stories, and more than one truth. The only right thing you can do, is to stay open.’.
Now let’s point out, why this is so important. Since my coming-out I had so many conversations about transgender topics. I was confronted with so many assumptions about my transition, and about transgender people. Yes, my experiences were better than my expectations. Seeing how open minded our modern society is, I still see lots of work on the knowledge how to deal with transgender people appropriately. Stop assuming instead of asking us. Stop asking us questions about our transitions. You wouldn’t ask that anybody else. So don’t assume, you can ask us about transitioning. These things are very personal, and if we want to share that with you, you will notice that. Try to use our pronouns. If you are not sure which one we use, that’s a really good and valid question to ask.
I want to say thank you to you for the countless positive feedback, and for the support from you, while I was writing that story. It really means the world to me, and it kept my ambition alive, to write every single day, since I started this article in March 2017.
I hope to see you soon, and send you my kisses!!!