Why I’m still here

Started off with this Twitter account some time ago in September. At that time I was thinking, I could meet some other trans personalities to chat with about our experiences. I mean until then most of the time I was hiding my little secret, behind the safe space of the walls of my place, behind the safe personality of a serious sales person with four kids, and an official life like many other people out there. Inside I was the most insecure person, that you can imagine. Most of my life I was trying to be someone else. Someone who was less special, and less vulnerable to external disrespect. Strong from the outside, but really weak inside. Someone who shares the same culture, as all the other people around me, just to stay under the radar of social justice.

Twitter, that was my impression, when I started tweeting, was kind of a safe space. I even uploaded some pictures to my profile that were showing me. There was little chance someone would recognize me, and I knew noone from my personal contacts, who was having a Twitter account. Most of my friends, family, and colleagues they were having Facebook, and LinkedIn. Twitter was a safe space, to be me.

The difference between the old and the new me was gigantic. I mean the first time I looked at me in the mirror, I myself thought, who are you? Today that person that I saw that day, is becoming more and more my new reality today, and I love it.

It felt completely different before, from what I’m feeling right now. When you are not able to live openly as a transgendered person, you only have few opportunities. Occasions that come around sometimes more, sometimes less predictable. In that moments I could live the other side of me. It never felt natural to me to be like this at this point in time. I couldn’t accept myself being like this. I was in a steady conflict. That truth was something that could have shaken my whole existence. You depend on your social placement. It’s a very comfortable feeling, to be in the role, that you slowly grew into. We call it comfort zone. Step by step my life developed in a way, that I learned to love, but also it was never perfect. There was something I was missing all the time. It took me many years to realize what it was, that would have completed me.

There have been days where I did crazy stuff. Mostly I was very drunk, loosing my consciousness. These hangovers were signs, that I wasn’t able to interprete in the right way. But they have existed all the time. The being different feeling comes out. You can’t stop this to happen. Maybe the only continuity in my life was, that something went very bad. Let me give you just one example, and believe me there is many more. Okay we better skip that part of the story, sorry guys let us accept this as history.

Why am I telling you this right now? Well I have only one life, and it’s actually in full progress. What remains after we are gone? Nothing! Yes, there may be people thinking about you. Remembering what kind of person you have been. But let’s be realistic. You will no longer play a role in the lifes of the people. It will become less every single hour, that you are not present to them any more. Yes it’s sad thinking. I know. Considering I have only this one life, and believe me, I may not be the only one thinking like that. Reality proves that it’s the truth. For example my mother. My parents got divorced at the time I was at the age of ten. It looked like my mum never again could be happy. After some years have passed by, my father died in a car accident. I was fourteen years old. The situation became even worse for my mother. She was crying rivers. For many months, even years. She was the saddest person in the world for me. Then after a long while, some years later, she was dating new guys. Yes she remembered my father from time to time. In these moments she was talking about things like “you are becoming like your father.” But his image already disappeared in her mind. Also in my mind, to be honest.

Yeah but I wanted to tell you about the reasons, why I’m still on Twitter, and why I’ve been going through a kind of social media expansion. Besides of the safe space that it meant to me, I met lots of new people, who were open minded. Many people are writing to me personal messages. These mails keep me going. For example there was this mother of two transgender kids. She told me, that she never would have expected them, to be able to live a happy life. Then randomly she landed on my profile, and it encouraged her thoughts about the future of her kids, in the way that she was optimistic about everything. Something that wouldn’t be possible for her before. Wow, I became part of something bigger, than just getting positive feedback for my weak personality.

I learned that it has an importance to the people, and to the community to be as positive as possible. And I love it. It represents completely the way that I see my life.

The way I define myself has become better, than I could’ve planned it. I think this is destiny.

Lots of love ❤️ Mycha

2 thoughts on “Why I’m still here

  1. Thanks Mycha, I enjoyed reading your piece very much. Think I’ve had a very similar life…I waited far too long and wish I could go back and change things. My family don’t speak to me any more nor do most of those who knew me before I transitioned. It’s very special for me to come across someone like you. OK if I stay in touch? Leah. 💐💐💐

    Liked by 1 person

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